well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
