I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
