i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
