what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
