Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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