She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
