I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
