he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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