So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
