I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
