So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers