yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
being pregnant is like rehab
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.