A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?