So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
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Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
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Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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