i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
