I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I believe in your delicious
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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