I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
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My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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