Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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