i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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