i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
