I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
