K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
