how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
