just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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