Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
