I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
