I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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