I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
