You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
