I haven't been this sober since birth.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
