ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just gift wrapped bread.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
