you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
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I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
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He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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