Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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