I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
