Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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