Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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