Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
