Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
