A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
