Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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