No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
