I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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