I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
