Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
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I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
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Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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