At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Who died my cat blue again?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
