How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
