Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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