Absence makes the cock grow harder.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We're using joints as your birthday candles
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
