There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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