she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
