I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
