Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
