Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
