i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
