No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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