I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
