i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
