I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
