I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
