I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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