remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
