When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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