You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
