where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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