I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
