Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
