i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
